@TheMichaelRock: A bee just landed on my cheek and didn't sting me. I think we're dating now.
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@iamburtjarvis: [2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] "chief, something has brought the boys to the yard" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@BobLoblaw143637: Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support ... followed by the cat, who came to judge.
@MarlaCaceres: Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*