@TheMichaelRock: A bee just landed on my cheek and didn't sting me. I think we're dating now.
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@timdonakowski: Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
@fro_vo: I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*
@WheelTod: Me: How old is your daughter? Her: She'll be 4 next week. Me: *audible sigh (Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she... NOW.