[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*