@Kyle_Lippert: [A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can't wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
@VerifiedDrunk: A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
@brandonleecool: Muslim: I do not eat bacon. Jew: I do not eat bacon. Me: I will have their bacon.