If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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