Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.