A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Happy Thanksgiving
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.