A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.