*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?