@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
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@AndyRichter: My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
@TEXASVETERAN: I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You'd have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.
@ericsshadow: My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
@_sweet_ham: Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it's the thought that counts.