Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.