@realHamOnWry: A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.
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@Chumpstring: [parent teacher conference] TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions PARENT: good luck dealing with that
@mjkspeaks: The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don't have the remote.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Guess what? ME: What? WIFE: Guess who said their first words today? ME: He didn't! WIFE: Yes he did ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say? WIFE: I was talking about your son ME: He said a whole sentence?!!