Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.