[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.