A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE