A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Put the is in disheveled
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.