@piyush938: A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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@Cpin42: In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
@truegritrumble: (At My Funeral) FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20. ME: *muted snickering from the casket*