A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Who did it better?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*Seductively hides in the woods
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.