A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Livid.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.