He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.