a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.