A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
where the womens at?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?