Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Breaking news:
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people