Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.