A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
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Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
This did not end as expected.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink