A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.