A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Succinctly put.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.