*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Watermelon Boss!
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.