@omgthatspunny: A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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@david8hughes: [ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
@AudreyPorne: "jogging gives me endorphins" so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.