@omgthatspunny: A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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@RorynotRoy: I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
@KevinFarzad: Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
@XplodingUnicorn: [5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?