There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Midwest trash talk
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD