A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.