A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.