a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks