@thom_ebooks: a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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@blade_funner: STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb? PERSON WHO DOESN'T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
@AmishPornStar1: Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”... As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
@SteveInevitable: While texting a girl she told me "I'm board" so I stopped seeing her. I wasn't offended. I just don't date wood. Or people who can't spell.
@shutupmikeginn: Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%