@thom_ebooks: a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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@LizHackett: If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.
@krispythehuman: A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months. Anyways hi, I'm Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.
@lovemydogduck: Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween... best hate sex we ever had.
@The_Grant_Boldt: God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people [creates Twitter]