a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
this chia pet tastes awful
Put a ring on it
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Wait a minute
Important
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them