@jakob_huber: A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: "Go swimming, the water's great! And there's no sharks! P.S. this wasn't written by a shark"
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@omerwahaj: Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive. 2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn't tell anyone else that they were vegan.
@BourbonHabit: I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow." Okay! I'm opening the can now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!
@XplodingUnicorn: When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them