@jakob_huber: A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: "Go swimming, the water's great! And there's no sharks! P.S. this wasn't written by a shark"
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@_wangwe: Superman's first day at the daily planet. Boss: Since you're new, you might need supervision. Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
@Mel__Lynn__: I’m listening to an actual cat fight outside my window and for a second I thought twitter had audio.
@NYC_Blonde: Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread? Waiter: So a sandwich? Me: I'd prefer if we called it a salad
@CornOnTheGoblin: [walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]