A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”