@jakob_huber: A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: "Go swimming, the water's great! And there's no sharks! P.S. this wasn't written by a shark"
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@thejamietighe: In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
@therealeatwood: [I am wearing a wedding gown at work] BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office? ME: [lifting veil] I do
@causticbob: The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.