A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.