Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.