I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
You Might Also Like
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes