A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
You Might Also Like
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Pigeon open mic night.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.