@causticbob: A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"
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@AndrewProTV: I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight...
@ClickBaite: Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ... *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now
@flashember: [Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist] "He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth." *holds up drawing of Pac-Man* *sobs* THAT'S HIM!
@filmbizpro: Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.