@causticbob: A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"
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@Iwriteforcats: I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
@sweet_pea707: *interview* So, why do you want to be a judge? *Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* "To fight crime"
@crushingbort: one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell
@MomOfTeen: Bought some expensive neck cream. Directions say to apply it twice daily. If I slather it on every hour, I'll have the neck of a teen.