@causticbob: A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"
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@VodkaThursday: If you don't like my selfies, maybe you shouldn't have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren't ready to handle that kind of responsibility
@NicestHippo: [religion conference] BUDDHA: What's your opener? JESUS: "God loves you." You? BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too
@Douchekevin: I'm the perfect man if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
@rocknthepurple: 2yo's favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force. When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.