@DionneMcNutt: A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."
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@kevinseccia: Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip "Syrian Refugee 1 and 2" onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
@liv_thatsme: (My wedding day) Grandma: You remind me so much of your father Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot G: Your father was a disappointment also
@Tommytoughstuff: "DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!" [camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
@trevso_electric: "Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"