Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
the three genders
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.