A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You Might Also Like
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
wow
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Oh we’ve met.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.