A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂