Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…