This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I’m not wrong
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
he was correct
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.