A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
You Might Also Like
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I want this so bad
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.