A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
In Canada they just call them geese
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
rapatouille
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face