A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?