A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.