A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
You Might Also Like
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
found my next D&D character name
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!