A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
How software testing works
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.