A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH