A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
You Might Also Like
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It鈥檚 right there on the floor next to my sanity
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I think I鈥檒l make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I鈥檝e turned myself around and that鈥檚 what it鈥檚 all about.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I wrote out SOS with M&M鈥檚
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M鈥檚
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download