A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
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$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
As the Lord intended
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Terribly Tuesday.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…