@Neauxpe: A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
@rad_milk: i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead
@RdrJay47: Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
@theyearofelan: This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of "who ate all the cookies?"
@MrMichaelRose: *impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F--oh yeah the island