@Neauxpe: A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
@MariyaAlexander: Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
@SCbchbum: When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
@robfee: The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls
@TheMichaelRock: Neighbor: Awww! She's adorable! What is she?
Me: A dog. Duh.
@Sean_Burgundy_: There's nothing worse than when you tell someone it's a long story and they reply with "I have time."