@Neauxpe: A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
ME: I like you, I think you're cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
@weinerdog4life: Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
@NYC_Blonde: Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
@BonaFideIntent: Daily 'Facts About CHEESE'
Fact About Cheese #3:
"String Cheese. Is not made of string."
@Brianhopecomedy: I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.