It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing